youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
