i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
