i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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