I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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