i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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