I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
