I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
nutella sex= disaster
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
