shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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