Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
