Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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