sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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