I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
