On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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