if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
