I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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