he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
