but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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