Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
