if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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