I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
we're so committed to being not committed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
