It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
