my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize