my phone needs a breathalizer
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
