did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
