I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
