My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
