he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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