1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I currently don't understand fingers.
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