Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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