Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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