We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize