Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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