im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
