Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
