So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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