I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
