I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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