I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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