i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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