Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
