Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
