I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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