I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
