the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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