note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
