Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
