I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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