Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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