those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
