The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
