Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
