just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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