His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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