Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
