I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize