dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
