wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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