Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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