He asked to "fluff my boner.."
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
