the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
