Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
