I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
