Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
